Launching a Vision, Pt. 1- Vision Busters

When it comes to launching a vision, what exactly prevents a person from taking their next steps? Is it tangible, imagined, or some potentially lethal combination of Vision Busters?

Fear of failure, insecurity/self-doubt, or a general sense of being totally clueless about how to bring something to life outside of your own head can be paralyzing and can quench the fire to do something visionary. I know that in my own little head-space, there is always a dialogue between my Creative Confident Self and my Are-You-Nuts-This-Will-Never-Work Self. For the record, that second version of self pretty much sucks and is absolutely no fun to be around. I try to send her on extended vacations as often as possible just so I can have some peace. Thinking of sending her to space with that crazy guy that started Virgin.

OK, so how to combat these vision-busters and keep moving forward in faith that the thing God has placed in my heart is something worth exploring?

1. Talk about it. I have a handful of actual, live friends who like me enough to listen to my ideas and give me honest feedback. I treasure their opinions and experience, so when this thing started to take shape and excite me I wanted to share it with them. It's been good to hear varying perspectives as well as encouragement from different sources. Also, in the process of trying to articulate a vision, I find that I am able to help the thing take a more recognizable shape. It's cool.

2. Write it out. Thank God for blogging. Much like being able to share face-to-face with a few people, being able to share with an extended circle through the semi-anonymity of an online forum is really helpful. Writing has always been a vehicle for me to refine and express thoughts and emotions (hello, bad poetry!) and to just try and make sense of and process the world around me and within me. Taking the critiques, questions and challenges of people I've shared this particular vision with has been tremendously helpful in putting thoughts to paper.

3. Research. Making the time to do some research just makes sense. For me, it is the first measurable step forward. It says, Yeah, I am serious about this. It also helps bring a vision up to real-world, practical status as opposed to glossy, etheral mind-fluff. A little research helps to steer the vision and put it on a trajectory for actualization.

4. Keep Moving Forward. I cannot overstate the importance of this. There are days when I feel so beat down and useless that trying to imagine bringing a vision to life is about as likely as pulling a monkey out of my ass. On those days, I just try to roll with it. I know that "this too shall pass" and I will be back on track in short order. Resting is fine, but quitting is just not an option. If it means that I need to find a way to dig deeper, to find out what is making me block my progress, then I go back to step 1 and talk to those people I trust the most and know that they will inevitably shed some light on the problem. And when they do, I pick up where I left off and start moving forward again.

So there you have it. I look forward to sharing the journey with you all. :)

Launching a Vision, Pt. 1

New Year, New Me. First Day of the Rest of My Life. Resolutions, Goal-Setting, Mid-Life Crisis. Living My Legacy. OMG-what-the-hell-am-I-doing???

I don't want to sound like a braggard, but coming up with catchy (and let's be honest, cheesy) slogans and pithy phrases isn't an area where I find myself lacking. Neither is coming up with ideas. I have what seems like an endless supply of ideas of various sizes and values-- Big, Little, Clever, Ridiculous, Romantic, Fun, Spontaneous, Mischieveous, Improbable, Illogical, Mediocre and Marvelous. Just try getting through a staff meeting with me! I love brainstorming and I love being around creative people, people who push me to think in new ways and aren't all about squashing the light within. So what do you do when you have something start to bubble up inside you that is better than an idea, bigger than a dream, and bolder than anything you've ever claimed as your own? I'm talking about a bona-fide vision... a big, scary, ridiculous, romantic, improbable, marvelous and wonderful vision.

Catch this email that I shared with a colleague and trusted friend about a year ago. It's a snippet of the vision I've been harboring and timidly sharing with a few trusted friends over the past so many years:

... I always appreciate talking about things with you because it reminds me to think deeper and reach farther. It’s easy to forget that in the day-to-day.

I probably showed this to you once upon a time but THIS is what I really want to do: WE Teams. Women’s Empowerment (“WE”) Teams would partner women’s groups here in the U.S. with women in Kenya (and beyond) to create opportunities for education, economic stability, social justice and equality. WE Teams would be long-term global relationships that start with seed money for a variety of projects that would become self-sustaining. It’s something that has been a vision for years and years, before I ever became involved with Tumaini, and just never knew how/where/when.

Anyway, I know that it is the direction I want to go and what I want my life to be about. I don’t know how/where/when but I do know that God will open the right doors for me at the right time, and my job is to just keep moving forward and not lose the vision.

"My job is to just keep moving forward and not lose the vision." I feel like finally, FINALLY, I am finding myself in a place where I am ready to do more than just keep moving forward. I need to move forward with a purpose and a plan. It's time now to pack the parachute, strap in, and get on the plane. Vision Airlines is now boarding...

Too Scared to Pray

I have faith. Lots of it.

There was a time not too long ago when my faith was my most defining quality, when community with God and a rich prayer life summarized my daily existence. It's who the people who knew me best- my family, friends, and co-workers would describe me to be.

Somewhere along the line, things changed. I don't read my Bible every day, and I don't spend time alone in prayer and processing every day like I used to. Don't misunderstand: I don't love God any less, and it's not like I started to doubt the claims of Christ or his power in my life. Kinda the opposite, actually.

I know very well what it looks like to let God lead, and to be honest, sometimes it just flat out scares me. It scares me because I KNOW that when I make that choice to let God poke around in my heart, in my mind, in my life, He's gonna ask me to do something about what's there. He's gonna ask me to surrender something stupid that I've been clinging to for too long, something that doesn't allow me the freedom to live the beautiful, sacrificial life He calls me to; something that has become toxic and made me feel stale, stuck, and stranded.

I KNOW that, while I've felt this combination of longing and discontent in my heart of hearts, the one thing that will lift the burden and the haze is to sit down and pray. To come clean. To stop trying to do things my way (which obviously isn't really working anyway) and get back to what actually makes me happy. But I'm too scared.

Sitting in church this morning, I had one of those experiences where it felt like God was looking right at me, waiting for me to acknowledge Him. To say, "Hey, can we talk? I mean, really talk." At one point in the service, I stopped and thought about the words I was singing and completely lost it... front row, tears, awesome. I wasn't sure I would be able to regain my composure but grateful that I did. Anyway, I knew that it was time for me to get some things worked out, and that usually starts with a quick blog to get the thoughts cohesive.

So, yeah. I am too scared to pray right now. I am too scared to face my mess and deal with it. I am too scared to ask God what I should do next. But I am going to do it anyway. He has never let me down before.

Statute of Limitations

Is there a statute of limitations when it comes to dating the ex of a friend?

This oh-so-awkward topic came up just yesterday when a close and dear girl friend asked me how I would feel about her going out with one of my exes from long ago. Apparently, they had started communicating just recently and he asked her out. Poor thing, I know it took her a while to even broach the subject with me. I mean, how do you bring that up with grace and tact? Not an easy thing to do, so I must give her credit there.

For a wee bit o' history on The Guy, this particular ex was one the great loves of my life. He entered my world when I was in a very dark place and like a beautiful, golden ray of light, he gave me the respect, love and grace that I had always wanted but never knew was possible. I know. But oh, it's true. We had a passionate, joyful, ecstatic love affair that felt right and true. It was the kind of relationship where I felt free to grow and discover my own likes and desires without having to suppress them for someone else. I still had a lot of personal healing to go through, but really we just accepted and loved each other. Simple. Needless to say, I was pretty devastated when we broke up.

A bit more history- The Girl Friend: We had been incredibly close for several years, BFF's and roommates with enough dirt on each other to make a fortune in blackmail $$ if either of us ever got rich, but with enough class and AtGFC (Adherance to Girl Friends Code) to never betray the other. "To the Grave" was one of our favorite mottos. Not long after the time that The Guy and I became a couple, The Girl Friend and I were beginning to move in separate directions. It was not because of anything against the other (as far as I know) but simply finding ourselves dealing with life and choosing different paths. So, when things with me and The Guy ended, The Girl Friend wasn't really aware of what it did to me. We had all but stopped talking to each other by that time.

OK, fast forward a few years. The Guy and I are talking occasionally, on amicable terms, and just at peace. The Girl Friend and I still hadn't spoken in years.

Fast forward another decade and change. The Girl Friend finds me on a social networking site, we "friend" each other, and start to repair what was broken. We find ourselves at a place in life where our friendship fits and makes sense and is really good again. It feels right. Apparently, this maturity thing is pretty good for the soul.

And now, this question of dating my ex appears, begging to be addressed. I don't wanna! (Ignore previous statement regarding maturity)

Logically, I know that I have absolutely no claims to this man. We literally haven't seen each other since we were in our 20's, and a lot has changed. 'Moving on' is an understatement! As far as I know, he is still a great guy and probably a really good catch. The Girl Friend is a beauty and deserves happiness as much as anyone else does. Why shouldn't they date? And if it works out, why shouldn't they find love together? Logically, I think, "What's the big deal?" Water under the bridge, etc. Emotionally, however, some weirdness definitely came up in me. And I do not mean my lunch.

After riding my personal roller coaster, I am finally settled about it all. Yes, he is a significant piece of my history. Yes, I loved him and have no regrets about that. And, yes, I realize that I have truly let him go. As for my friend, I honestly do want her to be happy... with him or with whoever is lucky enough to win her heart.

Unfinished Business

---------.

I need a kickstart, since my life seems to have stalled again. I know when it happened but am not sure yet how to get back to where I was going. I am at that point in the cycle where I just feel a bit lost, a bit off-track, and infinitely frustrated. Like I've crossed over the fine line between contentment and boredom and look around wholly displeased with where I'm standing, still undecided as to which foot to pick up first and where to go from here.

I've got way too much energy to be stagnant, and the longer I squander it the weirder I get and more annoyed I become with myself. All the more likely I am to do something stupid/regrettable. All I'm saying is that if this morphs into a week of truly bad poetry and too much alcohol, it's just not going to end well at all.

I know the things I enjoy and that bring me a deep sense of satisfaction, but I can't always do them. Unless I win the lottery and become insanely wealthy, thereby freeing me up to pay those remaining debts, travel and pour my life into helping the poor around the world. And it's clear that daydreaming about what I'd rather be doing borders on ridiculous, and amounts to filler. That isn't the life I want to live or the story I want to tell.

And back to the need for a kickstart:

Something new. Or, something old that didn't work out so well the first time around, or got set aside when I hit a wall with it. Unfinished business.

Write
Paint
Plan my escape
Grow pretty things
Make edible things
Rebuild
Break
Reinvent
Learn something
Find inspiration

The one thing I know right now is that something has to change, and I prefer to be the one doing the changing.

The Lame List

Things that either annoy, irritate, truly upset and/or piss me off, in no particular order:

Kids on a Leash
Bad Parents
Bad Drivers
Racists
Homophobes
Rude People
Mean People
Animal Cruelty
Hate Speech
Line Jumpers
Corruption
Cat Pee
Dogs That Won't Stop Barking (hello next door neighbors! geez)
Burnt Toast
Surgically Enhanced Body Parts for Cosmetic Purposes
Liars
Oversharing
My nervous energy, once it's kicked over into Obnoxious
Bullies
Creepers
Allergies
Freeloaders
Typos
Random Chaos
Savage Acts Committed in the Name of God, Allah, or anyone else

Coming Soon! The Awesome List

RIP Margarita and Otis

Otis the Bullfrog lived a happy life in my backyard pond. Raised from a tad, he was the smarter of the two and managed to keep himself from getting trapped in the filter basket time and time again (unlike his buddy, Jeremiah, who never made it to full-fledged frog). Otis grew into a fat, glorious bullfrog with an wonderful baritone and a delightful song. Listening to him sing was magical, and it brought a smile to my face every single time. Last week, he sang his final song.

I'm not exactly sure what happened. I suspect that he was trying to escape a predator, maybe an ambitious bird, and when he leaped into the water he over-shot his landing. At any rate, he got himself caught in the pump intake and was unable to survive. He croaked, and it sucks. (Replacing the pump for $500 wasn't so great either.) I totally miss hearing his song. It's just not the same.

Margarita the Hen also lived a happy life in the backyard. Of my three hens, she was the eldest (by two weeks) and largest. She quickly surrendered her Alpha Hen status when Fiesta stepped up and declared herself top of the pecking order. Margarita was a sweet natured and gentle bird, a good deal slower than her housemates. She never laid a single egg, though the other two lay almost every day. Although she somehow managed to find the mealworms first, she would just grab them in her beak and run away with them... not stopping to eat them for fear that Fiesta or Cholula would take it from her. Silly girl.

Over the last couple of weeks, I noticed that she was lagging behind more than usual and seeming to get lost in the yard. She would wander in the opposite direction of Fiesta and Cholula, then look around and call out for them in a forlorn voice. Last week, I heard a terrible commotion in the backyard while I was getting dressed for work. I looked out the window to see Fiesta and Cholula calling out frantically, while poor Margarita was lying on her back in the hen run.

I ran outside and sure enough, Margarita was gasping for air, unable to pick herself up off the ground. I quickly wrapped her up in an old towel and just held her, speaking softly to her as she faded away. A single tear fell from her eye as she gave her last breath. I'm not gonna lie, I kinda lost it. Afterwards, I wrapped her carefully and laid her to rest.

Rough week.

Animals are beautiful, and they add so much to our lives if we let them.