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I have faith. Lots of it.
There was a time not too long ago when my faith was my most defining quality, when community with God and a rich prayer life summarized my daily existence. It's who the people who knew me best- my family, friends, and co-workers would describe me to be.
Somewhere along the line, things changed. I don't read my Bible every day, and I don't spend time alone in prayer and processing every day like I used to. Don't misunderstand: I don't love God any less, and it's not like I started to doubt the claims of Christ or his power in my life. Kinda the opposite, actually.
I know very well what it looks like to let God lead, and to be honest, sometimes it just flat out scares me. It scares me because I KNOW that when I make that choice to let God poke around in my heart, in my mind, in my life, He's gonna ask me to do something about what's there. He's gonna ask me to surrender something stupid that I've been clinging to for too long, something that doesn't allow me the freedom to live the beautiful, sacrificial life He calls me to; something that has become toxic and made me feel stale, stuck, and stranded.
I KNOW that, while I've felt this combination of longing and discontent in my heart of hearts, the one thing that will lift the burden and the haze is to sit down and pray. To come clean. To stop trying to do things my way (which obviously isn't really working anyway) and get back to what actually makes me happy. But I'm too scared.
Sitting in church this morning, I had one of those experiences where it felt like God was looking right at me, waiting for me to acknowledge Him. To say, "Hey, can we talk? I mean, really talk." At one point in the service, I stopped and thought about the words I was singing and completely lost it... front row, tears, awesome. I wasn't sure I would be able to regain my composure but grateful that I did. Anyway, I knew that it was time for me to get some things worked out, and that usually starts with a quick blog to get the thoughts cohesive.
So, yeah. I am too scared to pray right now. I am too scared to face my mess and deal with it. I am too scared to ask God what I should do next. But I am going to do it anyway. He has never let me down before.
