Leaping Faithfully

It's been far too long since I've taken a leap of faith.

Up until last week, I had been lumbering along at my job, miserable at work pretty much every day. It's not that it was a bad job or a bad place to work, per se... and certainly I am grateful for the opportunities that have accompanied the position (bills paid, roof over my head, college education for my son, flexible scheduling and ample vacation) and the amazing friends that I have made along the way. Still, it was no secret that I wanted to do more and was becoming increasingly dissatisfied with where I was at. Worse, I could see that I was becoming a person that I didn't like very much. A complainer. A gossip. Unsettled. Hateful. Depressed, angry, bitter and deeply hurt, empty and slowly dying inside.

I knew that it wasn't fair to blame the job or the company or even the boss on who and what I was turning into, but I did because it was easier than pulling up stakes and moving on. I was equating the situation with a bad boyfriend, an unhealthy relationship where I played the role of Victim. I knew that the only thing that I had any control over, the only thing I had the capacity to change, is myself. And I tried, I really did. I thought that "venting" to trusted colleagues or sharing "prayer requests" to trusted friends would lift my stress and maybe give me some guidance on how to cope in unfavorable circumstances. And it did, kind of, at first. But what I kept coming back to was the fact that all the negativity and toxicity of the situation wasn't going to self-correct. I was going to have to do it.

But I didn't.

Oh sure, I browsed other job opportunities and updated my resume. I put out feelers and tested the water. I even tried pouring myself into the things I love, but in a safe, small way. A tentative way. A half-ass way. Because when it came right down to it, I was too scared to step out in faith. Too scared to leave the security of what I knew, to step away from what had become too comfortable, even as it was unfulfilling. "It's a paycheck," I told myself. "It's really hard to find any jobs right now," I heard. "I should just be grateful," I thought. But I want more. I want to LOVE what I do again, even when it's hard. I want to know that what I'm doing truly matters. I want to do the things I'm really good at, invest in people's lives, build community, bring hope and love and healing to the world around me, do my part in affecting positive change.

And so, I resigned from my job, and after 9 years I am leaving the place that has been my place of primary employment. It's weird, but it feels really good and really right. Not because it was a bad place; but because if I didn't do it, I knew I never would.

So what happens next? I don't know, exactly, but I'm really excited to see and share the journey. I know this much: there is no place I'd rather be than actively pursuing a life of faith, wherever that takes me.