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Well Geez, Louise- it's been a year-ish since I've poured my heart/soul/guts out on here. So much has happened since my last post. The Biggies: Dad diagnosed with Dementia, probable cause being early Alzheimer's Disease; I got a new job to supplement my million other jobs; I survived the NHL lockout & subsequent shortened season; and my favorite, I fell in love with an absolutely wonderful guy who makes me feel loved every day.
And, somewhere in the mix, I stopped going to church. Like, totally. And [spoiler alert] I'm completely OK with it. I'm at peace.
Now, I know that some people in and around my life are concerned by this. They wonder if I've slid back into my wicked old ways, if I've turned my back on God, if I've gone off the deep end, if I've fallen from grace. No, actually, I don't believe I have. And it's nothing against my church, or the people in it. It's a good church. And it's full of good people doing good things. It's just that, as good and lovely and wonderful as it may be, I simply do not want to be there anymore... wherever "there" may be. I'm not talking about being accepted, or even feeling welcomed. I know that I am accepted. Most certainly, I do feel welcomed. But I do not feel like I belong there anymore. And if I'm being honest, my greatest need has always been to feel like I belong. And I did... until I didn't. And it's OK.
It wasn't all that long ago that I couldn't imagine not being part of a church. I used to love going every week, and for years I was deeply involved in my church community. I volunteered on the weekends, midweek, holidays, evenings, wherever needed. I traveled on international mission service trips. For a good while, I even worked on staff. I loved everything about it, met some genuinely nice people (and some bat-shit-crazy ones), made some great friends and had a strong support network, which I leaned on heavily through some pretty painful times of loss and grieving. A special few of those friends remain part of my life to this day, and I thank God for them.
It's not about who the pastor is or isn't, what the music is or isn't. It's nothing against the people who go, or those who don't. It's not even a matter of finding the "right" church or a particular service day or time slot that suits me and meets my needs at this stage of my life.
Let me be clear: I love God and love people. And my biggest challenge and driving force is learning how to live that out day by day- authentically, honestly, genuinely. Not dressing a certain way, not learning all the weird church-y words and phrases, not plastering on my fake smile to hide the crap I'm truly struggling with, not endlessly debating over theological nuances, religious symbolism, historical accuracy or current socio-political issues. It's about actually forgiving people, including myself. Not being judgmental or condemning of people who look or live or think differently. Caring deeply for people in my family, my neighborhood, my community, my world. Making a stand for the stuff that matters to me, like justice and dignity for all people. It's about actually LOVING the people in my life-- when it's easy to, and especially when it's not. I just want to live a life of love and service to others, unfettered, free of walls and borders and confinement. I guess what it all boils down to is that I'm tired of going to church. I want to live from here on out as though the entire world is my church.
