Leaping Faithfully

It's been far too long since I've taken a leap of faith.

Up until last week, I had been lumbering along at my job, miserable at work pretty much every day. It's not that it was a bad job or a bad place to work, per se... and certainly I am grateful for the opportunities that have accompanied the position (bills paid, roof over my head, college education for my son, flexible scheduling and ample vacation) and the amazing friends that I have made along the way. Still, it was no secret that I wanted to do more and was becoming increasingly dissatisfied with where I was at. Worse, I could see that I was becoming a person that I didn't like very much. A complainer. A gossip. Unsettled. Hateful. Depressed, angry, bitter and deeply hurt, empty and slowly dying inside.

I knew that it wasn't fair to blame the job or the company or even the boss on who and what I was turning into, but I did because it was easier than pulling up stakes and moving on. I was equating the situation with a bad boyfriend, an unhealthy relationship where I played the role of Victim. I knew that the only thing that I had any control over, the only thing I had the capacity to change, is myself. And I tried, I really did. I thought that "venting" to trusted colleagues or sharing "prayer requests" to trusted friends would lift my stress and maybe give me some guidance on how to cope in unfavorable circumstances. And it did, kind of, at first. But what I kept coming back to was the fact that all the negativity and toxicity of the situation wasn't going to self-correct. I was going to have to do it.

But I didn't.

Oh sure, I browsed other job opportunities and updated my resume. I put out feelers and tested the water. I even tried pouring myself into the things I love, but in a safe, small way. A tentative way. A half-ass way. Because when it came right down to it, I was too scared to step out in faith. Too scared to leave the security of what I knew, to step away from what had become too comfortable, even as it was unfulfilling. "It's a paycheck," I told myself. "It's really hard to find any jobs right now," I heard. "I should just be grateful," I thought. But I want more. I want to LOVE what I do again, even when it's hard. I want to know that what I'm doing truly matters. I want to do the things I'm really good at, invest in people's lives, build community, bring hope and love and healing to the world around me, do my part in affecting positive change.

And so, I resigned from my job, and after 9 years I am leaving the place that has been my place of primary employment. It's weird, but it feels really good and really right. Not because it was a bad place; but because if I didn't do it, I knew I never would.

So what happens next? I don't know, exactly, but I'm really excited to see and share the journey. I know this much: there is no place I'd rather be than actively pursuing a life of faith, wherever that takes me.

Friend Me

I'm not sure why it seems to take a tragedy to jolt us out of our daily grind and take a look at the life we live, to take stock and count our blessings or make changes accordingly. But it does. I tend to be both introspective (just a slight step up from self-absorbed) and an observer (which can drift dangerously close to being disconnected or judgemental) and usually need some cosmic ass-whooping to get my perspective back. My most recent personal dramas, combined with a vengeful cold that has kept me in bed and grumpy the past few days, has got me re-examining who I am and what I want.

I was reflecting today on the friends in my life, and am kind of amazed at how varied they all are. There was a time when the people I hung out with were all pretty much alike, similar backgrounds and philosophy, similar tastes and interests. I'm not sure when it started to happen, but I am proud to say that is no longer the case.

I have friends who are rich and poor, old and young, gay, straight, and undecided. I have friends who follow politics and friends who are apolitical; Republicans, Democrats, Liberals, Conservatives, Moderates, Communists, Socialists. Friends who are Christians, Jews, Buddhists, Agnostics, Spiritualists, and still-figuring-it-outists. I have friends who LOVE hockey (yaaayy!!) and friends who have no clue. Friends with Benefits and the benefit of great friends. Friends who are like family, and family who are like friends. Friends who hunt and friends who would lay down their life to save an animal. Friends in different countries all over the world, friends who I've lived with, slept with, stolen with, lied with, fought with, prayed with, traveled with, danced with, laughed with, cried with... shared the deepest secrets with and the wildest dreams with. Friends who've held my hair when I was puking my guts out after waaaay too much to drink and I've held theirs. And I would do it again, anytime you needed me.

There are friends who I've known and been known by for days, years, decades, and those who I only know through the magic of Facebook. And the truth of it is, I love each and every one. I would be devastated to lose a single one, and have been heartbroken over friends that are no longer in my life. I am blessed beyond measure with people who genuinely care for me, encourage me, challenge me, and inspire me every day to be a better person.

Circumstances are fluid, life is too short, and opportunities to be happy are all around us but ever fleeting. Today, I count my blessings and call them Friends.

Two Faces, One Head

One of the hardest slaps to humanity has to be the face of hypocrisy.

Is it any wonder that an intense sense of disgust and betrayal wells up within us when one of our heroes shows him- or herself to be the opposite of what we believed that person to be?

Or how about when someone with direct authority over us-- parent, boss, peace officer, lawmaker-- commands from a "do as I say, not as I do" platform? Doesn't exactly make for the warm-and-fuzzies.

If a religious leader shows their ugly private side after years of public piety, forget about it. Better to just crawl under a rock and die if you are that person, because there's little hope that you will ever find restoration in the eyes of those who once followed you.

The absolute WORST offenders, however, rarely get dealt with. Their hypocrisy just continues on unfettered and unchecked, for what seems like ages until, finally, one day, they look in the mirror- and there we are. You, and me. We are really no different.

We want so badly to believe that we are above hypocrisy, but we're not. The sooner we can accept that, then the more likely we will be to extend grace and mercy to the next person who breaks our heart, shatters our faith, or causes us to shake our heads in disgust. I'm not saying it's easy; it's much easier to point to the flaws and failures of someone else and ignore our own. After all, if we are human, then we are just as two-faced, fake, broken and flawed on any given day as the next person, hoping at best to make some progress towards being a little bit better, a little bit kinder, a little bit more put together and well-adjusted. It's not until we let a light of truth shine in on our own mess that we find the humility to start cleaning up and moving forward.

Hockey Ruined/Saved My Life

It's been over for about a week now, and the vacuum its absence has created in my heart is palpable. A profound sense of loss, aimlessness, and longing for something that you just can't have has overcome me like a lover long gone.

Hockey season is over, and I don't know what to do with myself. I'm ruined for the next three months, damned to hunt for scraps of news ("Lidstrom signed on to the Red Wings for one more year!" "Winnipeg has 7th round pick in the drafts!" "Vancouver will likely keep all of its core players!" "Speculation is that Selanne may sign for one more year!") and troll around Vegas during the NHL Awards hoping for a pic or... deep breath... an autograph.

I just love this sport. Few things have stirred up so much passion in me, given me so much joy, and filled me with a desire to belong to a group of devoted, die-hard fanatics as hockey. The fact that I'm an American, and a Californian to boot, makes it even sweeter since it makes me somewhat of a unicorn, a chupacabra if you will.

Having just finished my third season as a fan and follower, I pretty much hate that I didn't get into it years ago. Because, trust me, I would have been INTO it. I have huge admiration for the fans who know the game inside and out, know the stats and history of players long since retired, and remember fondly the days of hockey gone by. Still, I absolutely love it and am grateful that I have it now. It's much more than a game to me; it's a huge part of me.

The truth is, hockey came into my life as a blessing in disguise at a time when I needed it most. As an unmarried woman of a certain age, I hit a point in life when all of my closest friends had moved on with their married lives, my only child was all grown up, and my prospects of finding "the one" had faded into oblivion with another heartbreaking betrayal of trust. Even with the really good things I was involved in and continue to be blessed by, if I'm completely honest- the loneliness I was dealing with at the time had driven me to make choices I would rather forget and erase from existence.

And then came hockey.

Finally, something just purely fun and exciting and spectacularly thrilling that I could become immersed in, meet amazing new friends to let loose with and enjoy the ride. Hockey brings a delightfully joyful balance to my life, which is normally filled with family drama, a less than challenging job (sorry, Boss), and a wonderful ministry to HIV/AIDS orphans in Kenya. For me, watching these unbelievably talented athletes go to work and play this beautiful game stirs up something primal, something visceral that is intensely sexy, a little bit dangerous, and completely addictive. Team work, stars and legends, coaching strategy- it's incredible to see it all play out, and being surrounded by thousands of like-minded hockey lovers watching it unfold in front of me is just amazing.

Many of my friends and colleagues think I've lost it, that I need a "hockey intervention" and can't understand my Facebook posts during hockey season (let alone during playoffs). Other friends just look at me as a curiosity, a funny little source of amusement with my hockey-fueled rants. I'm totally OK with that. And then there are the magical few who get it, who fully grasp the emotional roller coaster I ride with my teams' wins and losses, who are just as passionate about their favorite players and feel with undefinable intensity what it means to love a team. These are the people who go on spontaneous road trips, cheer like maniacs at every game--whether watching from the stands or in front of the TV-- and have multiple layers of fan props (jerseys, t-shirts, car flags, face paint, tattoos... you get the picture) that just add to the enjoyment and create an incredible sense of fun-loving community that can't be manufactured. You gotta love that, right?

So yeah, you could say hockey has ruined my life- and I couldn't be happier.

Launching a Vision, Pt. 3- Seeds to Seedlings

A month ago today, I was boarding a plane and leaving Kenya. Again.

This wasn't my first rodeo, so to speak, so I had spent the previous 24 hours trying to prepare myself mentally and emotionally for the next leg of my journey; not just the grueling flights in coach, anticipated airport drama, and hours without the ability to sleep, shower, or escape the pressing crowds for just a few moments of privacy [read: sanity]. No, I knew I needed to prepare myself for the inevitable funk I would have to deal with in coming back to my so-called normal life. Having made this trip more than a few times before, I knew I was going to be in for some serious soul-searching and dissatisfaction going back to the daily grind of office politics, social media sites, and a general sense of feeling like I should be doing something... more.

Over the past month, I've given my thoughts and prayers to the little seeds of a vision that was planted in Kenya, and asked God to bless the WE (Women's Empowerment) ministry being launched by William, Mary, and Kalekye.

Here's a recent update from William that made me cry in a good way: Kalekye, Mary and I have been spending good time together. You can be sure that the three of us have bonded better than before. For the last few weeks, Kalekye has been doing simple jobs at Mary's hotel. This has helped her get some little money for food. The last meeting we held saw us settle on having Kalekye do a simple vegetable shop, whereby she can be selling kales, and onions. Kalekye came up with the idea and good enough Mary offered to provide ready market for the kales every day. I chose to provide the starting capital of one thousand Kenya shillings. Mary will as well do the monitoring, but I will also be available as well. We are working with Kalekye alone before we recruit any one else. Meanwhile, Kalekye will continue working at Mary's hotel for some hours of the day to supplement for her house cares like food and house rent.

... This morning I was talking to a lady who is a member of our Church. She is living with HIV/AIDS and wonders how she can raise support for her family. I realize how the WE ministry can really minister to the needs of such a people.


If you know the backstory of these three people, you will understand that what is happening is a small miracle and a beautiful picture of God's grace being poured out through good people choosing to invest their time and care into the life of another. Not for their own glory. Not for their own publicity. Not for anything other than to reach into the messy, dirty, broken life of another and walk together through the rough places on the way to healing and restoration. Put simply, they are living out the example of God's love.

I am so excited to see what happens next. In the meantime, I am going to focus on being grateful for the life I've been given, enjoy each day as best as I can and continue to look for ways to give back, because this is what makes me truly happy.

Breaking Point

What do you do when you are about to reach your breaking point?

Are you the type of person who retreats, or seeks comfort? Vents, or explodes? Do you crave the close company of a friend, or the anonymity of strangers? Push back or ride it out? Try to get numb with food/drink/drugs/sex/shopping/whatever, or cry out to a higher power for some sort of a sign and a hall pass?

We all have our own ways of trying to cope, and if we're being honest, there are probably a few unhealthy ways of dealing with the drama that creeps up in our lives. I know that when I am on the edge of a full-scale breakdown, there is nothing I won't try to delay the inevitable (a.k.a, me curled up in a quivering mass of tears and snot). Oh sure, I do start out honorably, best of intentions, blah-blah-blah, but when nothing seems to be taking the problem away my honor goes out the window. I will be the first to admit that I can easily cave in and let the problem overtake me. Whatever, sometimes I'm weak. But maybe, just maybe, there's something that I missed on the road to whatever disaster I'm struggling with. Maybe... it's not really a disaster at all.

All of the complaining, day dreaming, and avoidance tactics won't make the problem go away, but it will make me (and those around me) totally miserable. What if the drama/heartache/breakdown/disaster in my path is really just an invitation to make some positive changes and live a more authentic life?

We were created and designed to live full, beautiful, productive and joyful lives, regardless of our circumstances. If I find that I am in a place where I feel stuck, unmotivated, angry, disrespected or defeated, there's a reason for it. It means that something major has to change: either my circumstances, or me. Of the two, there's only one that I have any control over, so...

Launching a Vision, Pt. 2: Puzzle Pieces

One of the things I feel like God has been teaching me on this trip (among many things) is that all along, from the very first visit I made here to Kenya so many years ago and even before that, God had a plan and it is much bigger and more beautiful than anything I could have ever dreamed up on my own. He gave me the opportunity to form a bond with the people of this area, develop a love and a burden for the women in desperate situations, and play a small part in helping to bring about change, restoration, and hope in their lives.

Yesterday, I had a meeting with some key people in Masii. We were able to take part in a conversation that begins to flesh out this vision for bringing hope to the hopeless, especially the women who are most broken and desperate.

As it turns out, Mary, one of the ladies that I first met here in Masii on my first visit, has been carrying the same burden and around the same time that I felt God stirring in me to move forward, she was even experiencing the same. Mary is a very savvy business woman and she now owns and operates the newest and largest hotel and restaurant in town. I remember her as the first person to be the cook for our Vision Trip teams when we came here. At that time, she owned a very small restaurant in town. To see her now, it is clear that her good business sense has paid off handsomely. Come to find out, it is this same Mary who has been feeling broken hearted for the poorest of the poor in her community—the street kids, the outcast women, the prostitutes. She has out of her own resources been helping to feed and clothe and encourage these same people, and has been praying and looking for ways to involve others to participate and bring hope and healing to “the least of these.”