What the Heart Wants

"The heart wants what the heart wants." Yes. It is a line from LOST. (Don't judge me.) Still, it couldn't be more true, could it?

Maybe it's me, maybe it's spring, maybe it's hormones. Maybe it's the warm beautiful weather and longer, lazier days. Maybe it's seeing all of nature pairing off for the annual mating rituals, and humans pairing off with announcement after announcement of impending wedded bliss. All's I know is that this chick is feeling way l.o.n.e.l.y. and craving some human companionship of the male variety. STAT!

And here, of course, is where my conscience or my guardian angel or whatever steps in, smacks me in the head and reminds me that I am reformed of my one-nighters, casual flings, and hastily made, alcohol induced, bad decisions of the male variety-- a.k.a., my 20's. Oh yeah, I'm a Good Girl now. Woo!

I've actually been a practicing Christian now for 15+ years, and believe it or not most of that time has been lived out in total celibacy. For me, it seemed like the right and natural thing to do to give up all the really wild stuff and try to live a more simple, clean life. I still know how to have a good time and enjoy my life, it's just that now I much prefer to find deeper joy and meaning outside of non-marital sex. Of course I am human and far from perfect, and even made a pretty significant judgement error that wasted a good year of my life on broken promises and guilt-fests. (Hangs head in shame) Lame. But, I digress. What does my heart actually want?

It wants to give love and receive it. It wants to beat a little faster at the sound of your voice, at hearing your special ring tone on my cell phone, at reading your sweet and silly text messages. It wants to take an adventure with you, and it wants to share mundane tasks in comfort with you. It wants to have a beer or a bottle of wine with you. It wants to spoon and fall asleep beside you, and wake up with you the next morning. And the morning after that. It wants to watch movies, and hockey, and the Jon Stewart show with you. It wants to kiss and make up. It wants to doodle your name absent-mindedly during an important meeting and blush when someone seated next to me steals a glance at my notebook. Hey, eyes on your own paper! It wants to discover the perfect little hole-in-the-wall restaurant with you. It wants to laugh and cry and shout and dance and whisper. It wants to make plans with you and it wants to look back on fond memories with you. And it wants so much more than to compromise and settle for something quick and easy with someone who won't even remember my name next week.

OK, Conscience, fine, you win. You win! I'm going to stop goofing around now and playing with those temptations that never leave me satisfied. Love really is worth waiting for, and that, after all, is what my heart wants.