Dark Night

Uh, oh- I'm having one of "those" days.

The kind of day where I wake up feeling really positive, my mind clear and focused, my heart content, and I am at peace... a good day. But as evening draws near, something entirely different starts to creep into my soul, and before I realize it I'm in a weird, lonely frame of mind and the dark place is only a few steps away. Insecurity seems to feast on my disappointment, each tiny slight or setback masquerades as a laughing enemy, pointing a long, cruel finger at me and snickering at my emptiness. The jealous gods condemn and punish me for daring to desire the touch of a lover, the longing to be held close and fall asleep enveloped in strong, safe arms. I can actually feel the tears filling my eyes, stinging, barely contained by my blinking them back; it's pointless to try, and with slumping shoulders I let them fall. Down my cheeks, burning streams scream of silent shame.

I try to talk some sense back into myself. I try to distract myself from the pain, the embarrassment, and it helps for a few minutes. Never long enough. The critic always wins on nights like this, so I shut up and take my lumps. Pathetic. Ugly. Drama Queen. Useless. Joke. Surely it will end soon, this black cloud of the soul will pass and I will feel like myself again. The old wounds will recede, the hissing insults and slander will be replaced by gentle, healing words. Kind. Talented. Strong. Worthy. Beautiful.

Today was a good day. Not a good night. But tomorrow, tomorrow is another day.

Accepted

I like to think of myself as someone who has developed into a relatively forward-thinking and reasonable person, tempered with a huge portion of passion and intensity. There's a lot going on inside my head and my heart at any given moment, whether or not I choose to let you see it. Growing up, this was more simplistically labled as being "moody" or "emotional" but that's just not accurate. It was most often the label that my Mom, God rest her soul, would throw at me when she or someone else pushed my button and I consequently unleashed one of my deadly glares, scowls, eye rolls, pshaws, and/or litany of verbal counter-attacks, followed by the requisite door slam. "Ay, Mee-chel, joo are so dem MOODY!" God, I miss my Mom. And maybe she was a little bit right. Maybe I am so dem moody. Or maybe, it's just that when I experience injustice, hypocrisy, bullying, or in some way feel the need to defend myself or someone else, it puts me in a fired-up mood and I lose my cool. Passionately.

I've gone to extremes over the years in trying to come to terms with my duality, somehow coming to the conclusion time and again that I wasn't okay. That being emotional or moody could not, should not coexist in the same body as a reasonable, rational, logical being. Embracing one facet as "good" and shunning the other as "bad" did nothing to promote self acceptance, allow me to relish in my uniqueness, or help me learn to love who I am and become the amazing person that God made me to be.

I flashback regularly to periods of my life, viewing myself in hindsight as the girl, the young adult, the middle aged woman trying to reign in and subdue my intense and passionate nature- stuff it down and pretend it doesn't exist, hold it together in a narrow-minded mold that was deemed appropriate, dress and act conservatively (you may as well ask me to grow glitter-encrusted wings) to avoid conflict and keep my head down- for what? To please an employer at a job I can't stand? To fit the ideal of a lover who couldn't appreciate me as I am? Maintain an imbalanced friendship, or remain "accepted" by a certain group of people? How miserable. How utterly unfulfilling.

No more. Never again. I love the fire in me as much as the calm in me. I love the crazy as much as the quiet. I am imperfect, and flawed, and fabulous.

If God truly loves and accepts me, exactly as I am, exactly as I am created to be, then why should it be so damn hard for me to do the same? Why should I give anyone else the power to dictate whether or not I am acceptable-- let alone awesome? I. Am. Awesome. And so are you.

So what if the people in your life don't agree, or try to tell you that somehow you are "less than" based on your beliefs, your lifestyle, your biology, your political leanings, your fashion sense, your country of origin, your sexuality, your hobbies, your ______? What then? Well, this is where it gets a little bit challenging. The decision is yours, and though it is a simple one, it is not an easy one. You, and you alone, get to decide who is allowed a place in your life- who your friends are, who you give your love to, where you work, where you live and who you live with, or without. It might lead to some editing of relationships, or it might mean that some radical changes need to be made; and though that can be scary, it is ultimately what pushes you to be your best self, your happiest you.

If there is one lesson that life has taught me, it is this, courtesy of the great William Shakespeare- "This above all: to thine own self, be true; And it must follow, as the night the day; Thou canst then not be false to any man." 'Hamlet' Act I scene iii Be true to yourself. In no way does this make you selfish; all it makes you, is YOU. And there is absolutely nothing wrong with that.

Crush

Platonic relationships between Men & Women-- Myth? Urban Legend?

It's not a new question, and I'm certainly not trying to be original. I'm just honestly wondering if it is really possible to have a purely platonic relationship with a man. I would like to believe that Yes, This is Possible, and Fact! I've always claimed it to be so... but is it?

We all have those guy or girl friends that we would totally roll the dice and move forward with if circumstances were right, but this isn't that. The dynamic changes when only one of the two has deeper feelings, romantic leanings towards the other. Complicates things, muddies the water. I have to think that there is some kind of compromise, some shift of power that transpires when a Man and a Woman decide that their relationship will not go beyond the Friend Zone. One person loses, always. The line of demarcation is drawn, clearly and indelibly, when one tells the other in so many words, I'm so glad we are Friends. You're such a great Friend. Blah, blah, blah, Friend, let me tell you all about the guy I'm obsessed with, the girl who I'm getting the butterflies over, the person who just broke my heart. All the while, one person secretly (or not-so-secretly) harbors a crush on the other, but the feeling is just not mutual. Maybe the one who is being admired knows it, and coyly sucks up the attention, knowing full well that it will not be an equal exchange. He or she accepts that romance is not in the cards for them, but chooses to continue "being friends" rather than give up that person's company altogether. Or maybe not, maybe they just never bring it up and pretend nothing's really there, no chemistry, rationalize it away and carry on with the regular things that Friends do. Still someone is left feeling awkward, inadequate, achingly hopeful that maybe it will happen for them just like it does in the movies, because that romantic comedy formula ALWAYS gets us.

For as far back as I can remember, I've always been friends with both boys and girls. Of course I went through the dreaded "boys have cooties" phase, even though I thought it was stupid and I knew they didn't. I still just wanted to play with them- chase, tree tag, kickball, ditch 'em- anything to keep moving, laughing, running wild. Fast forward a few years and add some happy hormones, and my fascination with these muscular, strong, super-cool creatures was piqued. I loved my girlfriends, of course, but boys... well, they were just different. And I like different. But most boys my age weren't attracted to me as they were to other girls; I was too skinny, too pale, too freckled, too smart, too spastic, too tomboyish. But I was always a fun friend, so that's the role I accepted.

In my adult life, almost all the male friends I have are "safe" for me (i.e., unavailable or uninterested) and fit neatly, safely into the Friend Zone, where nobody gets hurt. Or do they? I've had a couple of silly friend-crushes over the years that didn't amount to anything, they were just harmless and fun. Nothing more than some mild flirting with no real risk, really. Just fun, and sometimes, maybe a sucker punch to the heart--like when the object of my more-than-friend affection would suddenly go dark, and I would fall off his radar for days, weeks. Hm. A little hurt. Uncomfortable. And if I have felt that little friend-crush sometimes, I have to wonder if, just maybe, sometimes someone feels a little friend-crush for me and I'm just wholly unaware of it, or semi-consciously blocking it. It's not a fun thought, like a nagging, ragged fingernail that I just want to smooth over as quickly as possible. So yes, it is possible- for a price. The going rate for Platonic is total honesty, having the stones to talk through any unresolved feelings and sometimes having awkward conversations if it means doing so will preserve or strengthen the friendship.

Really, truly, I don't want to hurt anyone, and definitely don't want to be on the other end of hurt either. I don't have the energy for it, frankly, and I would much rather just enjoy life right now rather than be bummed that I'm not "in a relationship" with anyone. It is freeing, and pretty fantastic. I love having men in my life who I can just be friends with, who care for me- and I for them- as a person and a playmate, not a *potential* bedmate. I also enjoy going on non-dates where we can all just get along, have a good time, and nothing gets weird with sexual undertones and hurt feelings. Platonic is easy. Platonic is uncomplicated, drama-free. I will probably always get the squishy, butterfly-in-the-belly feelings from time to time, but it doesn't mean that it has to develop into a romantic thing. And I'm totally OK with that.

Redux

What does it mean to "reinvent" yourself?

What does it take to be "relevant" today?

There is a very fine line between character and caricature, between the perfected and the perfectionist.

For as wonderful as the prospect of starting fresh and feeling like someone who is actually interesting sounds, neither is possible without first breaking down and letting go of who and what you think you are right now, today, this very moment.

My mind is blown on a daily basis by the examples of incredibly courageous people who have broken down the walls they've built and bravely charted new territory, carving out lives of meaning, influence, and deep personal satisfaction. The creative, the artistic, the philosophical, the passionately committed... you inspire me.

Here's to taking the status quo and shoving it off a cliff. I want to test my limits and be more.

Thank You for Being a Friend

It's been one of those crazy, rollercoaster-of-emotional-highs-and-lows couple of weeks for me here in the 'burbs. I've counted my blessings every morning, and cried myself to sleep more than a few nights. **Awesome** And so as I sit here at my computer to punch out a few thoughts, process some pain, and try to remain grounded, I'm brought back to a place where I have the most profound sense of gratitude for the most tangible of blessings: Friends.

I appreciate the people in my life who are dependable. True to their word. Honest. Open. Unafraid of intimacy-- not just physical intimacy, but emotional intimacy--as in being vulnerable and real, unguarded, walls down.

I am grateful for the friends who I can call when I'm feeling shattered. And for those who I can just send a message asking for prayer, no questions asked, and know that I'm being lifted up in that very moment.

I am blessed by the friends who check in just to say "hey" or to share something silly/awesome/crappy that just happened, whether through social media or the old-fashioned way.

I am so thankful for the friendships that have been built and grown over time, whether bonded through common faith, life passions, or shared history.

I love the friends who I can laugh with, cry with, dream big with, and do life with. Who challenge me but don't try to compete with me. Who inspire me but don't judge me. Who just let me be me, and actually like it that way.

New friends and old, long-lost and reconnected- you are each and every one a treasure to me. I do love you. I do pray for the best for you. I do enjoy your company and the memories we've created together. And I do look forward to the next time I see you.

Life will always be a funny thing, filled with ups and downs, amazing victories and crushing defeats. Count your blessings, cherish your loved ones, be you. And thank you for being a friend. (Bonus points if you have the "Golden Girls" theme song in your head right now. High five if you also can't help but think of JT's "You've Got a Friend" rolling in there as well.)

Why Do You Care?

Sometimes people ask why I care so much about kids thousands of miles away, when there are plenty of kids right here who need our help. I don't disagree; there are plenty of kids here in America who do need our help- so I do what I can, when I can, and where I can. And I hope you do too, especially if you are one of the people who asks "why help people in other countries when we have needs right here" or any variation of that question.

In the US, we have many state and federal programs as well as non-profit organizations, service clubs, synagogues and churches set up and dedicated to helping people right here. And that is great! It isn't quite the same in many other countries, thousands of miles away, where decades- even centuries- of extreme poverty, rampant unemployment, minimal education opportunities, government corruption, religious turf wars, natural disasters and a frightening lack of resources has forced generations of women to go without access to education or healthcare and where children become orphaned and have to try and raise themselves.

If you are fortunate enough to live in a country where you have the freedom to worship according to your choice of faith, you are one of the lucky ones.

If you have a college education, or even a high school education, you are one of the lucky ones.

If you have a job, a vehicle, a bank account, or a beloved pet; if you have family and friends, and have the freedom to marry for love or remain single, you are one of the lucky ones.

If you have a roof over your head, clothes on your body, shoes on your feet, and food in your belly... and your pantry... you are truly one of the lucky ones.

So when I hear from people with all of the above complaining about sending money for foreign aid, I honestly have to wonder how it has hurt them. I don't understand. And I wonder what they are doing to help meet the needs of people "right here" ...so I ask. Not because I think I'm somehow superior, hell I know I'm not. I just want to learn about the places where they volunteer, what they do support, what they are passionate about. What you care about matters, because it's only by reaching out to care for and help each other that we begin to understand what love really looks like, and develop compassion. Some would say that is when they feel connected to God. That's beautiful!

There are so many ways for people to get involved, and I firmly believe that any amount of good we do in this life is a positive thing for all humanity. I know that helping AIDS orphans in Africa is not something that every person is going to get excited about, and that's OK... because I am excited about it, and totally passionate about finding ways to make life better in my home, my community, and my world.

*The picture up top cracks me up! I love how Elizabeth is trying to push Rogers (shyest boy every) next to me for the shot. She was all, "Stand closer! Smile!" LOL

Adventures in Kenya, Part 3: Friends and Bombs

One of the greatest things about being involved as a volunteer with Tumaini International Ministries www.tumainiinternational.org for all these years has been the opportunity to develop great friendships with incredible people on the other side of the world. 10 years since Tumaini was formed to address the AIDS pandemic in sub-Saharan Africa, specifically in the area of Masii, Kenya- I feel like I've been blessed to meet men and women who are so genuinely in love with God that all they do pours love into the people around them. They are on the front lines, working daily to bring hope and healing to their community. You would think that given the context of the work and the enormity of the problems they are faced with, these would not be fun people to hang out with. Too serious, too stuffy. Nothing could be farther from the truth! Along with their tremendous passion for helping the kids and working with families who have suffered so much, each of these men and women have a deeply rooted joy that is unmatched. We laugh together until we are wiping tears away and holding our sides. We have a few running jokes that get pulled out with each visit. We share stories, family updates, meals, and dreams together. And through it all, when someone is in trouble, we are there for each other. I could not be more grateful.

When our friend Paul received my panicked email explaining that we were in Nairobi and were in the middle of a very unpleasant fiasco and really needed his help, he didn't hesitate. I explained that we were not hurt nor were we in danger, just that we needed to leave the lodge as quickly as possible. I was exhausted, flustered and at a loss for what else to do, and hoped he could just point me in the right direction. He decided to send Josphat ("Tawa") and Elizabeth to our rescue. They had been out visiting a few Tumaini families, delivering food and supplies, and gathering sponsored child updates when they received his call. They were several hours away from our location, but came as soon as they could and collected us in the Tumaini van. Seeing them pull up to the compound was such a relief! After we exchanged hugs and piled into the van, I silently thanked God for blessing me with such dear friends.

During our time together, even though it was just a week, we grew even closer. Perhaps the fact that we didn't have a big team of people helped some, as it was a more intimate setting and easier to manage logistically. Less like the Wazungu Circus, more like a relaxed visit with out of town guests. Actually, as Paul liked to remind us, "You are more than our guests. You are family!" So awesome! We loved spending time with Paul and his family, Elizabeth, Tawa, Esther- we got to see our buddy Jackson, who has the craziest stories and silliest laugh, and hear about the different kids' families that he was preparing to go visit. We got to spend a bit of time in the office and observe all of the work that goes on, and marvel that anything gets accomplished with the many guests that drop in throughout any given day. By guests, I mean sponsored children stopping by, relatives asking about getting their grandchild/niece/nephew/son/daughter on the waiting list, church members asking how they can help, and Board members preparing for their upcoming meeting. Oh, and us, the big wazungus.

Ever the gracious hosts, Alli and I were treated to a couple of surprise visits with some of the kids that we sponsor. We visited her "daughter" Emma at her school, my "son" Rogers at his home, and even caught up with her "son" Palvine, who has since graduated from the Tumaini program, is taking college classes, and has a full time job. While each visit with the kids was special, this one stood out because seeing Palvine looking so handsome and healthy, able to care for himself as never before, was very powerful.

On the final day of our trip, Alli and I still needed to shop for some materials for our freshly established sewing projects in Masii. Elizabeth and Tawa took us to Nairobi, where we had lunch at the Java House before heading over to the downtown shopping centers. Tawa dropped off Elizabeth, Alli and I as we went on foot to hit some of the fabric shops. The first place we went into was okay, but not great. The next place we went into, however, was a jackpot! Reams and reams of gorgeous fabric: lessos, batiks, pashminas, in every quality and price range, plus a few finished products that were to die for. On top of that, the shop owner is a wonderful gentleman- welcoming and knowledgable with a warm Indian accent and 37 years in business at that location. We were having a blast going through fabrics when suddenly, the sound of an explosion caught us all off guard. This was much louder and more resonant than a car backfire; it was a bomb, and from the sound of it this was much too close for comfort. We all froze, slowly staring at each other with eyes wide. Within seconds, we could see a wave of panic on the faces of people outside as cries went up and people ran into shops, pulling down the metal security bars over the doors and huddling. The stark reality of life in the developing world was in our face. The next five minutes seemed like an eternity, as Alli and I stood out of sight, pressed back into bolts of fabric covering the walls of the small shop. Strangely, neither one of us felt panicked or afraid. "You OK?" I asked, "Yup, I'm good!" she replied. "That was a bomb," I said. "Yes, sure sounded like it," she replied. Standing there with my BFF, I was glad that the friend I have been closest to for my entire life was right there. It felt like we were kids again, playing superheroes in the backyard. Just like in our childhood adventures, somehow we knew everything was going to be okay. Elizabeth was on her cell phone with Tawa, trying to gather details. "Can you hurry up and finish?" he said, "It's getting bad out here." A few more minutes passed, and then a sense of relief as the security doors went back up, and life as normal resumed. Alli, Elizabeth and I finished our business and then headed back outside to find Tawa bringing the van around the corner just then. We piled back in the van, and got the update from him about the blast. Paul had been on the phone with him minutes after the explosion registered, as it had come out as Breaking News while he was at work and he was of course concerned about all of us. We learned that the bomb had gone off literally the next street over from where we had been shopping. Thankfully, no lives were lost, but nearly 30 people had been injured. Details would continue to unfold throughout the day and by the time we had flown out and were on the ground in Amsterdam, reports came that the Somali terriorist militia, Al-Shabboub, was suspected in the attack and a suspect had been identified. Needless to say, but our prayer life improved dramatically and we ask God for continued protection for our friends abroad.

You might think that such an adventure as this would discourage me from returning to Kenya, but you would be wrong. All the more, I want to strengthen my ties to the work being done in Kenya, both through Tumaini International Ministries and through our small business, WE Care Jewelry & Accessories, LLC. Terrorists SUCK, anywhere in the world. And the truth is bad things happen everywhere. I'm not rushing into the face of danger. I'm not a hero. I'm not a soldier, God bless them. I'm just a woman who believes that through education and development, through love and empowerment, this is how we can work together in building a better world and fostering peace. That, my friends, is worth living for.