Cyber Dating Awards, Part 2

At last, at last! The Cyber Dating Awards ("Cybees") are here! A time to recognize the truly depressing depths to which my love life has sunk... nay, to Celebrate the Madness! And just like a real awards show, it is a little too long and painful (THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID! Sorry, addicted to The Office.) True, plenty of people have found what they are looking for through the many Popular Matchmaking Websites, and in my short time participating in the forum I have met some truly interesting people. Well, "met" is a relative term. Given the overwhelming amount of remarkably bad matches offered to me, I am really taking my time to sift and weigh the very few actual possibilities presented.

I mean, I understand that the sites "match" people based on a few very general tags in their profiles, and the rest is up to us... kinda like real life... but the bad matches are just so far off, I have to assume that the only criteria is that we each have a pulse. Judging by some of the profiles, even that much is questionable. Still...

(Me, clapping my hands together in rapid succession) So Excited! Ladies and Gentlemen, without further ado, it's time to award the winners!

For these first 3 categories, I cannot post their actual photos, for fear that they may hunt me down and shank me!

Creepiest Photo: "Serial Killer Chic" Dear Online Dating Dudes: Please groom before taking a photo of yourself and posting it in the hopes of attracting females. We scare easily.

Creepiest Photo: "Gang-banger/Thug life" Dear Online Matchmaking Site: Look at me! I'm a nice, tiny blonde lady who does not have a criminal record. Does this really look like a match to you?

Creepiest Photo: "Most Naked in a Creepy Way" Dear Online Dating Dudes: Thank you for wanting to show me your body. Would prefer not to see the cropped off portion of your previous girlfriend next to you in bed.

This next category is fun! See, although I am typically most comfortable dating younger men, I am totally open to dating men of my own age or even a little bit older- like 5 years. Age may be just a number, but my stated preference on profile is 35-50. And here are the winners for...

Most Significant Age Difference: "Over" 62!! >"Under" 19!! and "Switcheroo" stated age as 50, but confessed to 56!! (after writing about how much he values honesty- anyone else see the irony here? Bueller?)

A few Honorable Mentions...

Least Compatible: "Marital Status" MARRIED! Um, yeah.
Least Compatible: "Geographically Undesirable" CHINA! Really?
Least Compatible: "Religious Differences" ATHEIST! It's your business, but I love God so this just won't work.
Least Compatible: "Miscellaneous" "INTENSELY PASSIONATE" MAGICIAN! Runner Up: "EXPLORING MY FEMININE SIDE WITH WOMEN'S CLOTHES!" Oh God, where do I begin? I'm just going to move into a fetal position now and cry.

This next category is Extra Special. I'm just going to go ahead and post their photos because these guys truly suck. Consider it my Public Service Announcement. If you see them, or a lady friend of yours gets caught up with one of them, warn her immediately.

Total Jackass: "The Imposter" The Nigerian Money Scammer!
Profile Pic-- (top screen)see that super-handsome guy who looks like a model?
Actual Pic-- (second from top)this is his actual photo found on fraud website!!!

Total Jackass: "The Belligerent Bully" The Guy Who Made Me Cry!
(third one down)Stupid sunglasses should have tipped me off--


Total Jackass: "The Sleazy Sexual Harasser" The Scary IM Guy!
(last photo) Eww, eww, ewwwwww... cannot repeat what was said... need to bathe myself in Lysol-


And finally, I would like to wrap things up with the Most Hopeful Awards. I am genuinely excited about the final awards because they represent the best of what the whole dating thing has to offer, online or otherwise. Hope. People were created and put on this beautiful planet to love and care for one another, through friendships, families, and soul-touching love. It's just something I believe we are all hardwired for, and hope against all odds to find. Right now there are some nice friendships forming, and a couple of promising possibilities developing. I am looking forward to meeting soon to see if there is a spark that flies beyond nice pics and the written word. If one of these matches pans out, I will have found gold. I don't want to jinx it so that's all the info I'm sharing at this point. Wish me luck...

The Cyber Dating Awards, Part 1

Maybe it's just that I'm nostalgic for the recently ended awards season...

So after this weekend's ups and downs in the Wonderful World of Online Dating, I've decided to create special categories for the interesting matches that have been selected for me and/or have hit me up online. I figured that the best option is just to laugh at the absurdity of it all, rather than throw in the proverbial towel and resign myself to a small and bitter life... or worse, devolve into another Crazy Cat Lady.

I will be recognizing awardees in the following categories:

Creepiest Photo: "Serial Killer Chic"
Creepiest Photo: "Gang-banger/Thug life"
Creepiest Photo: "Most Naked in a Creepy Way"

Most Significant Age Difference: Over, Under, and Switcheroo

Total Jackass: "The Imposter"
Total Jackass: "The Belligerent Bully"
Total Jackass: "The Sleazy Sexual Harasser"

Least Compatible: "Marital Status"
Least Compatible: "Geographically Undesirable"
Least Compatible: "Religious Differences"
Least Compatible: "Miscellaneous"

And finally, I would like to wrap things up with the Most Hopeful Awards... because I like to end things on a positive note whenever possible. I'm just a big softie, after all, and I really am hopeful. I'm sure that in the gigantic cyber-haystack of creeps, crazies, and can-you-please-give-me-a-friggin'-break, there are some amazingly sharp (ooh! subtle needle reference!) candidates for finding love and long-lasting friendship. Stay tuned for Part Two!

Confessions of a Potty Mouth

Swearing. Curse Words. Foul Language. #@%@##*&!!

In attempting to exercise self-control, I think this may be the biggest hurdle I've ever tried to clear.

Ever since I was a little girl, I can remember the power of the Dirty Word. Whenever I found myself at odds with a neighborhood bully or about to get pounded by a school-yard foe, I used my greatest weapon: Potty Mouth. Weilded at the precise moment, I could leave my opponent stunned and speechless- leaving me just enough of a break to throw a punch or turn and run. Pretty heady stuff for a six-year-old!

As a kid, my selection was not too varied. I only used the few that I heard from Pops when he lost his temper over something: Hell, Dammit, and if he was REALLY peeved, G-D DAMN IT!!! That one scared the shyte out of me, coming from the thundering voice of his 6'2" frame. Let me just be clear, he rarely lost his temper with me, or my brother, or even my Mom. He never threw stuff around, he wasn't abusive- verbally or otherwise- and I can only remember a few times EVER that I got spanked by him. He is very even-keel, and not a big communicator- but when he gets upset about something, eesh. Scary. OK, back to me.

As I quickly came to realize, nice little girls do not use foul language. Ever. Much less do classy, smart, beautiful Christian women, especially if they actually do love linguistics and can turn a phrase quite nicely without the use of expletives. So what was I to do? Give up cursing? Use pseudo-swearing? Go f-ing insane??

Turns out, I actually like to let fly a little foul language when the mood or occasion merits it. I'm comfortable with detonating a well-timed f-bomb, or tossing in some blue words for shock value. And let's be honest, driving in So Cali pretty much begs for it now and again.

What I am very conscious of, however, is the company I keep. I mind my mouth when it's appropriate, and hold my tongue rather than offend someone with my words whenever possible. There's really no excuse not to. So please, if we are ever hanging out and enjoying a few beers at the pub, or if we are at the hockey game and my team is getting stomped or the ref makes a REALLY BAD CALL, or if you are in the passenger seat when Super Jerk rides our ass then proceeds to speed around and cut us off in traffic... be prepared for the ugly that may fly from my pretty little mouth. If it offends you, tell me, and I will apologize. I will even make an effort not to unload around you.

So, I will keep trying to find a comfortable balance with my choice of words, and moderate my foul language outbursts as best I can. Peace and Blessings, and Have a Nice F-ing Day. :)

Getting the Last Word

Getting the last word can be many things, but my favorite is when getting the last word is EMPOWERING. Take, for example, my last encounter with Mr. T. (The Nigerian money scammer, not the A-Team icon. Still, I pity the fool...)

After the humiliation of discovering Mr. T was only interested in my money and couldn't care less about me, I will admit that my pride was stung. I was irritated with myself for getting caught up in the hope of a finding a real Hottie, who turned out to be a total NOTtie. I was embarassed for sharing my excitement with friends, knowing that now I would have to look like a loser. Again. Then I began to think about how many other people he must have scammed, and how many went along with giving him money. How many lost their money, their heart, their dignity. And the more I thought about it, the angrier I grew... Hulk style... and I wanted revenge.

So I did something a little crazy: I called him.

I didn't say a single word, just listened to him repeat "hello? hello?" over and over again. Surprise! No Russian accent this time. Instead, the bustling sounds of a cyber cafe filled the background, and Mr. T called out "Hello? Hello? Are you there? Hello?"

Moments after hanging up, my phone was peppered with his text messages: 5:41 MR. T: "Hello" 5:42 "are u there talk to me" 5:44 "u tried to call me now" 5:44 "say something to me please" 5:44 "talk to me" 5:53 "are u there" I won't lie, I enjoyed watching him squirm a bit. And then, my disgust boiled over. ME: "How can you live with yourself?" MR. T.: "what do u mean?" "please call me now lets talk on the phone" And then, I had my final say on the matter. ME: "It's bad enough that you and your partners steal from people for a living, but it's despicable that you prey on people with broken hearts." MR. T: "ohh how do u mean" "im not into that ok"

So, technically, I didn't have the last word with Mr. T... but I did have my final say in the matter, and felt empowered in having said it. I imagined that I was choosing to be one small voice for the voiceless, and I was proud of myself in that tiny moment.

Afterwards, I did something a little crazy: I prayed.

I prayed for the crook, hoping that maybe- just maybe- he would think... even for a moment... about what kind of life he had chosen for himself. I prayed, hoping that he might actually put a face on the faceless that he had robbed. I prayed, hoping that he would make a choice to be a better man. I prayed, hoping that through the process, I would not become bitter, I would not lose faith, and I would not give up on finding someone amazing to love again. Crazy? Maybe. :)

LET'S GO DUCKS!!!

Oh, Ducks- why must you break my heart? Do you not realize how much I enjoy watching you skate hard for the full 60, how deep a thrill you give me when you are on the ice? Delivering hits? Showing up with your Defense, holding up the blue line, throwing everything at your opponents' goal, crashing the net, and sounding the horn?

The last three losses coming back from the Olympic break have hurt, but today's loss... you actually made me cry. Giving up a 3-0 lead and going down 4-3 in the shootout just brought me to tears.

Come on boys, I know that you know that you cannot afford to let any more games slip away as you are making your playoff run. And I know that you have the individuals AND the teamwork to get the job done. So... time to rally, Gentlemen. I am not giving up on you! LET'S GO DUCKS!!! <3

Taking Back My Body

10 lbs to go to reach my weight-loss goal.

It's been a long process, slow going and sometimes very frustrating- but totally worth it. Over the course of 3 years, I have now lost and kept off more than 50 lbs of excess weight with very little fluctuation.

I am stronger, leaner, and more curvy in all the right places. I look forward to and enjoy working out because it's actually fun... Zumba, Yoga, and Spinning are the three that I can do year-round, and I add Water Aerobics in the summer. I want to try a couple of different dance classes and get back into tennis, too. I am also getting really close to buying a bicycle to get out and take advantage of all the great trails in So Cali.

The theme for this year, my motivational mantra, has been Taking Back My Body. When I started this whole weight-loss journey three years ago, I was having to buy new clothes in the largest size I'd ever worn. Standing in front of that dressing room mirror, bathed in the most unattractive lighting possible, I confronted my image. Beneath the layers of protective fat, hiding myself from the world of hurtful people and overwhelming circumstances, was the girl I used to know: sweet, caring, happy and fun-loving. I decided then and there that is was time for a rescue mission- I was going to start taking back my body. I wanted to care again.

I started by joining Weight Watchers and going to meetings. I learned some tools for making healthier choices, and began to set small goals for myself. I thrive on praise and positive attention, so instead of fighting that I learned how to use it in a way that benefits me. Slowly but surely, the pounds started to drop off and my self esteem began to rise proportionately. Within that first year, I had shed more than 20 lbs and 2 sizes. By the second year, another 30 pounds were gone and I had dropped another 3 sizes. Starting at the beginning of this year, I was looking at just 20 more lbs to reach my goal. 3 months in, I've lost 10 of the 20 lbs. I can see the finish line, but my weight loss has seemed to plateau.

I need to figure out what adjustments to make in order to meet my goal.

Sucker Punch to the Heart

Hello, Universe? It's me. Um, WTF?!? Am I just NOT EVER supposed to meet a nice, normal, attractive unmarried guy? Because if that's the case, I'm OK with it but would just like to know so I can stop making a complete ass of myself.

Scene: Two weeks ago, online, and getting hit on by a super-attractive guy (according to his profile picture, at least)whom we shall call 'Mr. T'. He seems genuinely interested in getting to know me, and we exchange email addresses in order to communicate/chat outside of the Popular Matchmaking Website. I'm not a complete idiot, so I do give a rarely-used email and don't give any of my personal info beyond first name. We spend some time chatting online, and proceed to chat daily. T writes me poetic, romantic emails. He asks if he can send me flowers (still not a total idiot, I don't give my home address but do give my office address). He sends additional photos upon my request, and they are smokin' hot. T types with an accent. A sexy, Russian accent, as it turns out. He gives me his phone number, and I get to hear the voice... definitely sexy phone voice, but sweet, not creepy. He is out of the country for a couple of weeks working on an international development project. Did I mention that he is starting to ring all my bells? Things are looking up, and I am cautiously optimistic and looking forward to meeting Mr. T. in a few days time.

Fast forward to Thursday: In the course of our morning chat, Mr. T informs me that his son is about to have his 16th birthday, but sadly he won't be home from his trip on his actual birthday. He is sad, because he and his son are very close (so I'm told). Aw, that is sweet! Model-good-looks, works with his hands, and cares for his son. And then the first big red flag flies up... Mr. T wants me to buy his son a birthday present! Um, we haven't even met in person yet. 'Wouldn't that be kinda weird?' I write. 'No my love, he will love you for doing this!' responds Mr. T. 'I don't know,' I stall. 'I don't know anything about him.' 'He likes video games, and wants a PSP.' Really? You want someone you've never met to buy your son a PSP? I'm starting to smell a rat. 'I need to get back to work now, break is over.'

Friday AM: Text msg on my cell #1 Good morning sweetie! how are today my love? I cannot stop thinking of you my angel. Text msg #2 Are you there? Talk to me my love. #3 What about birthday gift for (son's name)? I decide to give him the benefit of the doubt, because dating in the middle ages (we're both mid-40's) is tricky and even more challenging when you have a teenaged child living with you who you are trying to appease. Still, I do not reply to any of the messages and am becoming increasingly annoyed with the pressure to buy a birthday gift for a kid I haven't met and am not even sure actually exists.

Friday PM: Chatting online, no mention of gifts. Mr. T is happy that I am online and wants to tell me how much he misses me, can't wait to see me and hold me in his arms.

Saturday AM: Awake to several good morning text msgs from Mr. T. After coming home from an intense spin session, I am fired up and feeling strong! I decide to hop online (just so you know, I am NOT online all the time and actually do have a life away from the computer) with Mr. T. 'Hey how are you? Did you have a good day?' 'No,' he writes, 'it was a very bad day, my son is in hospital with Malaria Fever!' 'WHAT?' I write, 'You mean he is out of the country with you now?' 'Yes, he is with me my love.' Hm, I smell a rat again. Didn't he tell me he was so sad that he was going to miss his son's birthday? I can barely see through the sea of red flags popping up. 'I need your assistance, my love. I am broke and cannot pay the hospital bill. Will you loan me some money?'

Hello, Universe? WTF?!!?

At that very moment, I was angry and embarassed. At that very moment, Mr. T went from being a fun, interesting, potential new hope for love to being every jerk, jackass, and lying mutha f@#$er I have ever had the misfortune of knowing. As I had deep down feared, he was too good to be true. He was just another scammer looking to prey on a hopeful heart and exploit it. He was another petty con man. And I was not going to be his next mark. I was pissed!

'NO' was my response, seething with those two little keystrokes. 'Alright, babe' wrote Mr. T. At that point, I could have just signed off, but I was still pretty upset. Before I knew it, I was typing furiously. 'And shame on you for trying to pull this fraud on me! I was stupid to believe that you might be for real. Do NOT contact me ever again. Goodbye, faker.'

He protested that he had made a mistake, and he was sorry for asking my help, and that he really has deep feelings for me, blah blah blah whatever. I sat watching his IM's pop up, trying to draw me back in. 'You know what? I don't believe you. Leave me alone you big liar!' The words flew onto the screen as I hammered out my humiliation before logging off. Several text msgs followed from Mr. T, but I refused to reply. I felt my heart turn cold and my eyes turn hot with tears. I felt like a damn fool.

And yes, I may be a fool. But one thing I will never be is a person who gives up on love. I have a lot of it in my life right now, and even if the universe is against me having another intimate relationship, that's OK. I do know that for every jerk, jackass, and con man out there breaking hearts there is a good, decent, attractive man living right. And maybe, just maybe, we will find each other.

Dating vs. Boredom

Is being bored a valid excuse to start dating again? I mean, is it OK for a single woman of a certain age (I prefer "timeless") who is reasonably well-adjusted, comfortable and old enough to know better but young enough not to care to throw caution to the wind and open the door to romance? I say Yes.

I have been single, or rather, unmarried, for my entire life. I'm not a man-hater, in fact I quite enjoy the company of men... it's just that I haven't figured out how to fall in love with the right man at the right time. Long term relationships? Check. Short term relationships? Check. Parenting, check. Drama, check. Wild, hot, passionate, please-let-me-forget-this-ever-happened, do-not-try-to-call-this-a-relationship? Uh, check please! Honestly, I have had a lot of fun and a lot of heartache in the love department, and have all but convinced myself that I am DONE with dating, mating, and whatever-ing for the rest of time.

But every so often, I find myself feeling... lonely? No, not quite that. Empty? Not really, I am quite content. And then I realize that, while I shouldn't be, I Am Bored. Just plain bored! I work, I socialize, I work out, I volunteer, I attend church, I have a family and friends and pets and hobbies... but still I just feel utterly, inexplicably bored. WTF?!?

So I decided that instead of complaining or over-analyzing it, the time had come to take the situation at hand and find someone new, fun, intelligent, attractive, attentive, and available to expand my horizons and rediscover life through fresh eyes. I created a profile and signed up for 1 month on a Popular Matchmaking Website.

This isn't mercenary, and while some form of boredom may serve as the catalyst, I am truly hoping to find something more than a pal or playmate. I am not interested in temporary relief with a hookup. I do actually have a lot to offer the right man at the right time, and am finally open to the idea of giving my heart to someone again. At the very least, I will meet some new people and learn something valuable.

The matches have been pretty uninspired, even dismal (I'm sure they're all nice people) for the most part, until two weeks ago... HELLO!!! Could this guy even exist outside a fantasy? I, for one, intend to find out. Who knows, maybe I will even fall in love. At least it will make for a good story.